We all love a good scare. Or do we? Some of us feel a pull toward the macabre but we still want to keep a distance. That’s me. When I dabble in fiction, I write horror. When Halloween season rolls around (sometime in late July in my neighborhood), I track down horror movies I missed as a kid and binge binge binge. Those things are on the page or on the screen. So-called Halloween Haunts are another story. When faced with an actual monster a foot or two away, I am a coward. I know they’re not real. I know they can’t touch me, but… what if?
For years, my wife has been trying to get me to go to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. She almost got me the year they had a Killer Klowns from Outer Space dance party, but I faked a bunion. We eased in a couple of years ago with the first post-pandemic Haunted Hayride in Griffith Park. I figured I could always hide my face in hay. This year, I had no excuse but fear itself. So with the sun still shining because it was only early mid-Halloween (September), we ventured to Universal City and the darkness that awaited.
Even with a V.I.P. express pass, it was hard to get to everything. Not that I endorse paying extra fees to not wait in as long a line, but it’s hard to imagine how someone with a regular ticket could get through it all. As it was, we skipped two. Partially because we left before midnight. But also because I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t reflexively try to kick a Chucky in Chucky: Ultimate Kill Count and I was convinced that Evil Dead Rise would be more gross than scary. Also, we split a ridiculously huge pretzel that slowed us down. Choose which answer preserves the level of dignity you think I have.
Knowing that my evaluation is two short, here are my Fanboy Planet Awards. Awhorrorwards?
Flat Out Scariest Maze: The Exorcist: Believer
It helps a maze be scarier when the hapless victim, er, guest doesn’t know what’s coming next. Which means the maze based on a not-yet-opened horror film has an advantage. Of course, it opens in a week, so the impact might be lost by mid-October. Why did it work so well? A combination of great production design, the insidious power of Satan, and possessed children. That’s the secret ingredient. ONE possessed child you can sort of brace for, but you never know where the second possessed one will pop out. This is not a reflection on the actual film. As of this writing, I haven’t seen it. The original The Exorcist didn’t scare me; I believe this maze did.
Best Recreation of a Television Series: Stranger Things 4
It had its fair share of jump scares, but mostly due to one monster, Vecna. Mostly, it was a fascinating mix of audio animatronics and live actors recreating key scenes from Season 4 of the Netflix series. That includes that final confrontation in the Upside Down. So I almost forgot to be scared; I was just impressed. Universal Studios knew they had a winner, placing it firmly between “Transformers: The Ride” and “Super Nintendo World.” They also resisted the urge to plant little Bowsers around the trailer park to leverage those corporate synergies. No way the kids of Hawkins would have stood for it.
Best Maze to Include a Ghost That Reminded Me of My Late Drunken Aunt: Holidayz in Hell
You didn’t know her, but my Aunt was almost a dead ringer for the bloody martini drinking socialite skeleton welcoming people to the maze. Unfortunately, once the clock on the facade struck midnight, she disappeared inside and I’d been at a bad angle to grab a picture before that. But trust me. If any of my relatives read this, she was acting EXACTLY like the aunt from Stockton.
We were left with a combination of the Old Year and Krampus, which confirmed for me this was one of the three mazes I wanted to see most. Inside, guests walk through the calendar with horrifically twisted versions of the holidays that seem to have sprung from the turn of the 20th century. If you’ve ever seen Over the Garden Wall, it’s your jam, too.
Best Usage of a Shared Universe: Universal Monsters: Unmasked
While one might argue that few of the Universal Monsters are masked in the first place, this maze didn’t stretch too hard to bring several movie monsters into one plotline. Erik the Opera Ghost has fled into the catacombs of Paris, creating an underworldly paradise for other creatures of the night. After faking his death in England, Henry Jekyll has chosen to continue his experiments there in the dark. I’ll quibble about Quasimodo being there, more tragic than a monster. But in addition to a few original ghosts carrying the narration through, there’s a surprise monster cameo. It works, and it also makes sense he’s minimally used.
The throughline of it works beautifully, mixing classic scenes with new ones to make sure everyone’s on their toes. The incarnation of Mr. Hyde seems far more savage than any of the Universal film versions. Maybe next year they could call it Universal Monsters: Unbound or Unleashed. It was well worth the trek through the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and past offices and soundstages. It’s also next to Chucky: Ultimate Kill Count, which you might otherwise get lost trying to find because Chucky stuff is everywhere in Halloween Horror Nights. Can’t speak to the cocktails, but the Always Come Back Corn Dog was good.
Best Reminder That We’re All the Walking Dead without Using The Walking Dead: The Last of Us
The problem is that despite the effectiveness of the Max series, Universal Studios adapted the game. Both use a balance of survivors and clickers to provide the scares. But for a maze, especially after you’ve gone through The Exorcist: Believer, Holidayz in Hell, and Stranger Things 4 (all in the lower lot with The Last of Us), until an infected creature appears, it’s a bit ho-hum. Also, after an hour or so of walking through mazes, you realize they’re not as well-ventilated as you could hope.
The night we went, this one had the longest line by far, streaming up hill. For a moment, I thought maybe we were headed to a bonus World War Z maze. It was fine; they’re all fine. But this has the dubious distinction of smelling the most like human fear that night, and the sun had barely set.
Best Repurposing of an Already Great Stunt Show: The Purge: Dangerous Waters
Though a few stuntmen spend just a few seconds too many preening on their Seadoos (also endemic to the Waterworld show), this one goes for it. It could fit somewhere before The Purge: Election Night. Waiting to go into the amphitheater, guests stand in crowds catching newscasts explaining Purge Night, and that a leading political proponent of the Purge has disappeared with his assistant. He’s actually chosen to wait out the Purge on the Waterworld set, somewhere offshore. That doesn’t stop the brave rebels who want to hold him accountable.
It’s got fire, fights, and fire fights. Fists fly and blood spatters. Though it has an incongruous denoument, Dangerous Waters has a solid plot. Well worth it if you want to sit for a while and be entertained. Because the Terror Tram sure doesn’t let you sit.
Best Rare Opportunity: Terror Tram: The Exterminatorz
Yes, I was told there would no walking. I was lied to. Universal Studios repurposes their tram tour of the backlot for a fun concept that is more concept than plot. Bugs are tired of humans. They’ve risen up and infested a few film sets, egged on by Larry Larva, a half-human half-bug exterminator who knows how to kill people dead.
What makes this the rare opportunity? You have to get off the tram and walk through the Bates Motel. Occasionally, bugmen threaten you with chainsaws (a default weapon for Horror Nights), but the goofiness of it outweighs the scares. And you’re walking through the Bates Motel! But wait… there’s more!
You can have your picture taken with Norman Bates in front of Psycho House. Though you’re not allowed up on the steps, it’s closer than tourists usually get. Normally you have to have your camera ready and if you’re lucky, you catch a glimpse of Norman at a distance. Before getting back on the Terror Tram, you also have to walk through the set of Jordan Peele’s Nope, but it’s really the Peeleverse. In between screams you can hear the tinkling of a spoon on a tea cup and then there’s all these Tethers showing up. Sure the regular tram drives through the set, but this is a chance to really stop and take in some detail.
The Terror Tram bypasses the Fast and the Furious experience, because Vin Diesel is too scary for Halloween Horror Nights.
Best Maze to Drive Me to Further Research: Monstruos: The Monsters of Latin America
It was gorgeous, heightened by my ignorance. Without context of the legends and myths, the monsters were just a skosh scarier. The maze is more of a geographical excursion than a storyline, but that’s not a problem. Though gorgeous, it’s also perhaps the outright goriest, because most of these monsters seem to love human flesh the best. On first walking in, guests have to get through thick jungle vines that I just knew would eventually be replaced by dangling intestines. No, I’m not proud that I was right.
Monstruos empties into a Scare Zone titled El Terror de las Momias, a slow build with movie posters for old Latin American horror films that may or may not exist. Through the dimly lit mists, a variety of legendary creatures wander. Eventually you transition to a Dia de los Muertos celebration which can also be reached through Universal’s main street. La Llorona walks through both light and dark, but I’m not sure she pauses for selfies. Maybe.
Best Build-up to Not Much: Blumhouse: Behind the Screams
In the lobby of the Dreamworks Theater, Blumhouse has set up a display of props and costumes. Some may remind you that hey, that was a Blumhouse movie. Maybe you want to get a picture with the Grabber from The Black Phone. Certainly the characters from the upcoming Five Nights at Freddy’s look impressive.
But the actual Behind the Screams? It’s a series of trailers for upcoming Blumhouse releases, including Five Nights at Freddy’s and The Exorcist: Believer. If you’re at Halloween Horror Nights, you’ve probably seen them. Then something goes wrong and… let’s just say there’s a dance party. That seems to be the default “we don’t know how else to end it” ending of the 2020s.
Best Merchandise:
I just can’t decide. T-shirts, sweatshirts, caps, socks… all with artwork from various mazes and franchises. I confess. I did all this just for the socks. Because I’d been scared out of my old ones.
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