Some gentle readers of Fanboy Planet will no doubt refuse to see Eight Legged Freaks no matter what. This would be because of a no doubt squeamish constitution, easily disturbed by movies about giant spiders. And let there be no mistake. These are spiders in the plural, and giant as in immense. Despite being computer generated, these are also spiders in the “AAAAAGGHHH!!! AAAGGHH!!!! GET THEM OFF ME!” icky sense. To those gentle readers, we say buck up, wussies, because Eight Legged Freaks makes one heck of a great ride, and reading a review just ain’t gonna cut it.
How good is this movie? So good that it almost makes up for producer Dean Devlin’s involvement in Godzilla, Independence Day and Stargate. So good that we can all pretend that David Arquette never starred in See Spot Run or those stupid phone commercials. So good that for one brief moment in the universe, it’s understandable that he could land someone like Courtney Cox.
Arquette “stars” as Chris McCormack, the stereotypical troubled youth now grown up and returning to the town he abandoned after falling in love with a woman he could never have, now the sheriff (Kari Wuhrer). His father owned the mine that provided Prosperity, Arizona with its economy. Once he died and the mine shut down, the town grew more and more ironic. All the mine really has to offer is a build-up of methane gas and lots and lots of underground storage space for toxic waste. But really all that, as paranoid deejay Harlan (Doug E. Doug) says, is another story.
What you really came here for are the spiders. First-time writer/director Ellory Elkayem wastes no time in delivering the goods. The characterizations and subplots are strictly secondary to the horrible fun, and no scene ends without some sort of ominous build-up to the town becoming spiderfood.
Right off the bat, a truck driver accidentally spills toxic waste into the local river, which supercharges the local crickets. An unbilled Tom Noonan (Francis Dollarhyde in Manhunter) harvests the bugs to feed to his spiders. As always playing someone vaguely unsettling, Noonan’s character farms exotic arachnids, ostensibly selling them to collectors.
At their regular size, the spiders are frightening and disgusting enough. In particular are the “orbweb” spiders; tiger-striped males compete to bring the best paralyzed prey to the female, who is three times the males’ size. And three times as squirm-inducing. When fed the crickets, these spiders start growing abnormally large, and when Noonan’s parrot cracks “I see dead people,” we know it’s not so much a movie quote as prophecy.
Luckily, the spider rancher has passed on all his knowledge to the sheriff’s son Mike (Scott Terra), a twelve-year old dead ringer for Peter Parker. (Coincidentally, Terra will be playing the twelve-year old Matt Murdock in Daredevil.) As a nice turn-about on the genre, once Chris discovers that his Aunt Gladys (Eileen Ryan) has been wrapped up as a present for the giant female, he knows right where to go to for information on how to stop the spiders.
And then it’s just a whole lot of cool gross-outs, kept relatively tasteful by a PG-13 rating. Unlike previous monster spider movies, Elkayem refuses to limit himself to just one terrifying breed. There’s the requisite tarantula, unwrapping a trailer like a candy bar. Trapdoor spiders move from an ostrich ranch to breaking through pavement and catching citizens.
The most successful hunters are the jumping spiders, which should give everybody the heebie-jeebies. Though eventually they become a “been there, done that” effect, their chasing dirt-bike riders through the desert provides one of the summer’s giddiest movie moments, right up there with Spider-Man’s first efforts webslinging after Uncle Ben’s killers.
If it all seems to get more and more implausible near the end, well, what do you want? It’s a giant spider movie.
And yet, the humans manage to make an impression, too. In a sentence I never thought I’d type, Arquette shows restraint and courage. Though wild panic obviously bubbles under Chris’ face when confronting the spiders, Arquette resists the urge to just be the manic guy he has spent the last couple of years playing. As a result, the performance is funny without taking us out of the horror of his situation.
Playing a sort of black Art Bell, Doug E. Doug also manages to toe the line between straight and ridiculous. Even the bumbling Deputy Pete, played by Rick Overton, manages to keep from being an unbelievable character. In what should finally give her a life outside of direct-to-video, Kari Wuhrer plays sexy, tough, and occasionally vulnerable as the hottest of hot moms who also happen to be law enforcement officers.
The only real blank in the movie is indie actress Scarlett Johansson (Ghost World, The Man Who Wasn’t There) as Wuhrer’s daughter. Not really given much to do, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that her scene in a towel drew quite a bit of post-pubescent applause. And really, what more do you want from a giant spider movie?
If Eight Legged Freaks has any real problems, it’s that there just aren’t enough drive-ins left for people to watch it as it really should be viewed. Otherwise, it’s really the most fun to be had at the movies right now. Why? Because it’s not only a giant spider movie, but it’s a damned good one.
