The Inescapable Fate of the Fetts

A long time ago on a website far, far away...

Enough time has passed that we can freely talk about this. As cool as Jango Fett is, as immensely skilled as he is, and as necessary to the overall plot as his death is, he dies like a punk. Many of you may recall that in Episode 6, his son/clone Boba also dies in a manner most embarrassing to intergalactic bounty hunters everywhere. When his rocket pack gets jostled by a blind Han Solo, Boba flies directly into the open maw of the Sarlacc, shrieking like a slave girl who woke up to find Salacious Crumb having his way with her.

It’s only slightly better on film than in the original script, in which Boba, in desperation, tries to activate his rocket parachute, only to have an anvil fly out and into his waiting arms. When he pulled the spare, a tire shot out. (For some reason, the original draft also refers to him as Boba Fudd.)

So, you might ask, is the entire family line of Fett clones doomed to die stupid, ignoble deaths? Take a look at the genealogy we’ve discovered in an obscure codex from The Journal Of The Whills…

Look cool. Live fast. Die stupidly.

Look cool. Live fast. Die stupidly.

  • Bobo Fett: Tracking dangerous quarry to the planet Baraboo, Bobo made it as far as a local carnival, where a rampaging bantha mistook him for a peanut.
  • Ruzco Fett: After a particularly wild night at one of Coruscant’s seedier pleasure palaces, Ruzco passed out in an alley. A drunken Duykin, not seeing Ruzco, relieved himself on the sleeping clone. This would have been humiliating enough, but Duykins excrete pure acid.
  • Jenga Fett: This particularly acrobatic clone met his fate on a moon of Endor. Hired to retrieve a rare Pezla egg for a collector of zoological oddities, Jenga found that Pezla eggs actually float dozens of meters above Endorian clearings, as a defensive mechanism against predators. The wily Jenga heeded the lesson learned from his “brother” Boba, and chose not to use his rocket pack. Instead, he formed a tower of brush and debris to climb and reach the egg. An annoying small furry anthropoid pulled a key block of twigs from the construct, sending Jenga hurtling back to the ground and breaking his neck.
  • Tula Fett: Curious to see how the other half lives, this clone tried on a slave girl costume, “just for fun.” Unfortunately, he did so near an amorous Hutt.
  • Benben Fett: Evading pursuit by Imperial Forces, Benben ducked into a local theater, which featured the double holo features Subspace Radioland Murders and Howard The Ysalamir. Unable to withstand the suffering, Benben hit himself in the face hard enough to send the cartilage in his nose shooting into his brain.

    After an encounter with The Tall Man, these three bounty hunters slave away in an hellish alternate dimension.

    After an encounter with The Tall Man, these three bounty hunters slave away in an hellish alternate dimension.

  • Fonebone Fett: The actual circumstances of his death remain uncertain, but passers-by all agree they heard a loud “SHHTOINNNNKKKK!”
  • Irving Fett: The 142nd fastest Fett on the frontier worlds, Irving bought it standing outside a Tatooine Deli. He was standing there, twirling his gun around, when butterfingers Irving gunned himself down. However, in a later special edition, Greedo shot first.
  • Garpo Fett: In a rare moment of downtime relaxation, Garpo attended a cocktail party. A particularly hilarious joke told by a transvestite caused him to laugh so hard he choked to death on a grape.
  • Django Fett: Though his misadventures did leave him with horrible burns, he did survive a career of bounty hunting, eventually gaining success touring the Yuropin systems with his unique guitar jazz styling. If I’ve left any out, I apologize, and encourage you to please fill me in on those I missed.
Facebooktwittergoogle_plus
About Derek McCaw
In addition to running Fanboy Planet, Derek has written for ActionAce, Daily Radar, Once Upon A Dime, and The Wave. He has contributed stories to Arcana Comics (The Greatest American Hero) and Monsterverse Comics (Bela Lugosi's Tales from the Grave). He performs with ComedySportz San Jose and ShakesBEERience, in addition to occasional screenwriting and acting jobs. If you ever played Eric's Ultimate Solitaire on the Macintosh, it was Derek's voice as The Weasel that urged you to play longer. Email him at editor@fanboyplanet.com.